It’s been a tough 6 months. There have been times I’ve wanted to reach out to mum, during tough periods that I know will be difficult for her, but self-preservation has kicked in before my compassion puts me in a situation where I’m drawn back in. My stepdad is finally filing for divorce and, as someone who’s held the fantasy that he’s somehow coming back to her for FIVE YEARS now, it won’t land well. It hasn’t landed well, from what little I know.

Stepdad talks to me, and I support him as best I can through what was an abusive relationship for him, too. He left 5 years ago, but is still trapped in a relationship with her in some ways. He’s getting there, but he’s not out yet.

When he first left, I was my mother’s only source of support (a move I now recognise was engineered to isolate me and ensure I couldn’t leave – she had no-one else to talk to, it had to be me), which took a heavy toll on both my mental health, and my relationship with her. I spent a full year listening to her crying and venting, and I gave her unlimited advice and support that went totally unheeded. I know now that she wasn’t looking for help, she was looking for a void to scream into, and I was it. It was towards the end of that year that I started seeking therapy after my father grew suddenly ill (cancer) and eventually died, all the while I was busy with my grieving mother. 2020 was a bitch of a year for more than just the pandemic.

Had a horrid dream last night, where mum and I had a huge fight and I called her horrible things, and she screamed at me that this was the last time I’d ever see her, and I said that was fine by me, and left. I’m not sure how much of this is my brain processing things, and how much is just random dream-logic, but it shook me a bit.

I have hope that one day it’ll be easier to think of her and not feel guilt for cutting her off. To remember the good times (and there were good times or I’d have left much much sooner!), and to feel a peace of knowing that in caring for myself, I’m being the parent that I’ve always needed for myself.