So after FIFTEEN emails, the Ourtime issue has finally been resolved after the final email from me pointed them to their own privacy policy and detailed how they’re breaking it, so finger’s crossed.

I had a lovely weekend break with my Cardiff friends – lots of resting and relaxing (and drinking!). We made curry together, I made cocktails, we went to the farmer’s market (I HAVE CHEESE) and met some other friends for lunch on Sunday… all in all it was a beautiful get together and I was sad to leave.

I had a dream last night about my relationship with my closest friend, and how it’s changing. The dream was cruel – she referred to me as an acquaintance rather than a friend and it was painful, and while of course she hasn’t said anything of the sort in real life, I think it echoes my fear of losing her. Of growing apart. Of not ‘keeping up’. I’m trying to do this work on myself in order to become a better version of me, and it’s taking so long that sometimes I rest where I am, and don’t make much progress. She’s super encouraging when I do this, and while my inner child sees it as criticism and tries to react, these days I’m much better at overruling it and accepting it in the spirit in which it was intended.

As someone who struggles with criticism anyway, I’m working really hard on trying to see why things are being said rather than assuming the worst – that they’re said to hurt me, bring me down, or even worse, said to bolster the ego of the person saying them. It’s not really a surprise as to where this comes from (comments on my body when I was far too young to be worrying about that kind of thing, jealousy regarding my youth, and the beauty that all children have, etc) but I am so done with dwelling on the past and having reactions that come from that hurt space. I want to be more rounded, more sensible, more able to tolerate what I perceive as criticism and instead look for the good in it.

And I’m learning. I’m still quick to tears when I’m feeling attacked, but allowing myself that reaction, then just as quickly moving on to actually listening to what’s being said, not what my hurt interior thinks is being said, is a great skill to hone.

I realise I never mentioned whether mum did or didn’t contact me for my birthday. She did not. What I don’t know is whether she did it to respect my boundaries, or whether it was retaliation for me not acknowledging hers. It almost doesn’t matter – the outcome was the same. I’d be foolish to assume she’s going to respect them indefinitely – if that’s even what she did – but it meant I had a less anxious (and actually very lovely!) birthday.

This has turned into a bit of an epic post so I’ll leave it there. It’s so lovely to have a private space I can come and share my thoughts and feelings in. If you’re reading this, you are one of 3 who have the link which means I trust you implicitly. And so on that note… :o)