I’m struggling a fair bit with thoughts about getting back in touch with Mum. I won’t do it – I have too much self-preservation now to fold when I know I’m not strong enough, but the intrusive thoughts are still there. It’s difficult, because in spite of everything I’m going through, have gone through, and will probably still go through, I love her.

My therapist once asked if I love her or the idea of her. It took me a while to answer because I wasn’t sure – did I just want a mum-like figure and it didn’t matter who? Or was it personal. I decided it was personal – Mum has many great characteristics and traits that I genuinely love about her. She’s kind, she’s stronger than she knows, she’s resilient, she’s funny, she’s warm, she’s supportive… lots of things I miss. Unfortunately there’s also the darker side; the difficulties from her own upbringing that she doesn’t – won’t/can’t – look at which make her selfish (especially when her needs aren’t being met), she’s entitled, completely oblivious to other people’s needs, so desperate for attention and affection that she can’t conceive of anyone else needing things as well, she’s unfair and rude at times, and she gaslights as standard (I never said that/I don’t remember doing that/etc).

She’s angry with me for being NC. She feels entitled to a relationship with me and that’s one of the main reasons I’m not ready to get back in touch with her; she feels I owe her and I just don’t think that’s true. I know she did her best at raising me, and in fact all three of us (my siblings) have turned out as well rounded and decent human beings, so she’s done stuff right along the way, but the memories I’ve repressed along the way, the unkindness, the emotional unavailability, the cruelty… I’m just not ready to forgive that yet.

I hope I am some day, but for now, those thoughts about getting back in touch will stay as intrusive, and I’ll continue to remind myself how much more peaceful and less anxious my life is now.