So I mentioned in my last post that this New York trip was life-changing, but was far too ill at the time to really delve into what that meant. I wanted to note that I’d had a great time, and that I felt differently about myself because of it, but I was dying (and am only just starting to turn a corner now – throat infections are the worst). So, in what ways has it changed me?

I never believed I was the sort of person who could take myself to the other side of the planet alone. If I’d had more time between finding out I was going, and actually going, I might easily have talked myself out of it, so I’m grateful it all happened so fast. My core beliefs are based around the knowledge that I am a coward, that I am not strong or resilient, and that I am not capable. These things are demonstrably not true. I just got back from a work trip to New York, by myself.

Now, I say ‘by myself’ – I asked my contact to pick me up from the airport, which she agreed to do (and for which I am eternally grateful!), my boss immediately insisted I stay with him and his wife when I was done with the workshop – I wasn’t ‘by myself’. There were other moderators; I wasn’t even alone in the hotel as the other mods who flew in were also there! So I’m not going to take too much credit for doing it all alone, because I didn’t. I did however ask for help I thought I might need (a pick up from the airport, for example), showing that I know my strengths, and my weaknesses, and felt confident enough asking for help when I thought it appropriate and useful.

This is huge growth, from someone who isn’t really used to asking for help. My model, growing up, was just to dramatise it all until someone felt sorry enough for you that they offered to help (thanks, Mum), rather than just asking for it in the first place. It’s been a tough skill to learn so late in life, but there really is nothing wrong with asking for a little help every now and then (and there is EVERYTHING wrong with playing the victim in the hopes that someone will white knight in to save you).

I had therapy last night, and my therapist asked me what point was my most anxious during the trip, AND THERE WASN’T ONE. The whole trip, I didn’t feel anxious at all. Healthy sense of street-smarts, awareness of my surroundings, yes. Actual anxiety? No. None. This was a huge realisation – that if I just jump in and do the thing, the anxiety takes a back seat because I’m doing it. There’s no room for anxiety when I’m doing the thing, because I’m demonstrating to myself, if no-one else, that I’m capable and can handle things.

So by ‘life-changing’ I suppose I meant it in the way I see myself. I don’t see someone pathetic, incapable, and cowardly. I see a valuable person, able to ask for the things they need, who is brave, confident, and above all, capable. This is me. And it feels so good.