Christmas was wonderful. I wasn’t hosting, for the first time in many years, and it was great! The whole family went to Stepdad’s, and we all had a wonderful time. I then drove my sister back to her place on the other side of the country – a 4.5 hour journey took over 8, but we were good humoured about it and we chatted and listened to music and it was fine.

I suppose the reason for writing this is two-fold. Firstly, mum sent a box via stepdad ‘to the girls’ (me, sister, and my daughter) inside which were individual parcels, one for each of us. I didn’t open mine, though judging by the others’ who did unwrap, I suspect they’re a hand-crafted item. I suppose it felt a bit like Schrödinger’s present – if I didn’t unwrap it, I didn’t feel obligated to thank her for it. I suspect it was a play to get a response of some kind, and I just don’t want to play that game. Secondly, her sister got in touch with me (and me only, not my sister) to say that she can’t think of any reason for our cruelty in shutting mum out. I blocked her number and email – the only way she can get in touch with me – and am moving on from that. There’s just no point entering a dialogue… as always, she will only have one side of the story and won’t be willing to hear the other. I’m tired of explaining myself.

I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with my mum. I’m sad that she’s angry with me, and hurting, and entitled, and all the other things she’s feeling about it. It was never about her, it was about me and what I need, and I’m sad to say that I don’t think she’s ever going to get that. I’m angry when I think about her behaviour, particularly regarding my stepdad, and how beaten down he is because of it. She’s fucking relentless. I just don’t want that kind of negativity in my life. 2024 was pretty amazing for a lot of reasons, and I was sad to say goodbye to it in a way. But, it paves the way for 2025.

I suppose this year’s ‘resolutions’ revolve around being courageous, doing the right thing even when it’s hard, parenting myself a little better, and above all, removing those who have a negative impact on me (or at least limiting their touch).

I’m not ready to invite Mum back into my life. I’m not strong enough to hold a decent boundary that won’t crumble at the first sign of her pain that I’ll feel the need to fix. We had such a toxic relationship (I almost said ‘towards the end’ there, but actually it’s not been good for a LONG time) and I just don’t think I can tolerate her behaviour. I’ll get angry, I’ll express it, and we’ll fall out, and that’s not what I want either. I don’t think, at this late stage, that she’s ever going to change, so the question becomes can I change sufficiently to bear her negativity with an eye-roll and a ‘moving on’, or will I always feel the need to revert back to my ‘training’, and try to mend her brokenness. I don’t know the answer to that, so for now, I choose peace.

2024 was peaceful, more than I’ve ever known. I hope 2025 is full of health, contentment, and more of that same peace. I know I could certainly use it.