I’m not really sure where to start, so I’m just going to write.

1. Christmas.
It wasn’t great. I – we all – fell into the trap of trying to do a Mum Christmas without Mum, so her presence was very much felt despite us desperately trying to get away from that. She send a gift, and I failed to let the other girls know that I wasn’t interested and didn’t want whatever was inside. I wasn’t clear, and I didn’t hold that boundary for myself very well. I got anxious before, during, and after. I didn’t behave well… I was too self-absorbed and while I managed to let go of being The Organiser (and controlling everything) I was listless and didn’t really know what to do with myself instead. I didn’t really have a role, and perhaps that’s the point… I’m trying to find out who I am and in doing so, finding out what my role is without the constraints of Mum telling me what that is! It felt messy and I’m ashamed of both my behaviour, particularly around my daughter, and of not spotting it at the time. I was too caught up in my feelings, and trying so hard to make it not about Mum that it was *all* about her.

2. In January I was asked to leave my home – the landlord is selling. I’ve got til July but there’s an incentive if I can be out by April, so that’s what I’m aiming for. I’m going in with my friend as rent prices are absurd and I won’t find anything within budget for just myself. I’m anxious about finances – I’ve managed to save some money but it’s all going to go on deposits and the move, and I’m working with less than I had before and it will continue to decrease now because Labour are fucking bastards, and as bad as the Tories with regard to disabled targeting.

3. I had to move onto Universal Credit from ESA and I’m worse off, and went for a month with nothing coming in. It’s all sorted now, but I’m getting less and am stressed and upset and worried about the future, particularly as the self-employed work is drying up in the next month.

4. Mum emailed me. And I responded (a hundred times!) which, while automated, was still a response. I should have just deleted it and set up a filter to delete any future ones. I’ve done that now. It’s like teaching a child, who thinks any attention is good attention… you have to not react, especially when they’re pushing your buttons.

5. Therapy is stalling a bit, and that’s mostly on me. I don’t feel I’ve moved forward since Christmas really, and I’m worried that my therapist isn’t great with the trauma side and perhaps I need someone who can help push me on, particularly when I don’t want to. However, I’ll talk to them about it tonight as we’ve a 4-year relationship and if I can continue with them, I’d like to. I just need a firmer hand I think, because I’m lazy and don’t want to look at why I’m not looking at Mum stuff. I’m having dreams where I’m with her and she’s upset about the no-contact and she’s crying and I comfort her and tell her I’m sorry and that I love her, all the while feeling conflicted in the dream because I think I’m being played, but I can’t handle the guilt of hurting her. These are all things to talk about.

6. I had an unpleasant thing with moderation yesterday morning, and I’m trying to manage my feelings around that. It was a nasty image that I had to suspend, and report to the admin. I’m being well supported but I don’t know how I feel about it yet, as most of my thoughts are ‘I’m okay’.

7. We put an application form in for a house yesterday, and I wanted to hear back today but it’s not happened thus far and I’m twitchy that it’s falling through, so we’re likely back to the drawing board, which means another intensive week of house viewings, admin, emails, and ARGH! I’m feeling stressed out, but having spoken to my friend yesterday, I’m pretty sure it’s underlying stuff about Mum (I’ve been feeling pretty low and stressed since her email) rather than about the house – I know that while being out by April would be nice, I actually have til July. But the stress I’m under is manifesting itself in physical stuff – I’m sore, have had several bed days where getting up has been too painful, and my concentration is shot to pieces.

I think those are the main points. I’ll do some more writing for therapy this evening, but I wanted to get these things out on here first to give me a starting point.

I’ll write more soon.