My Mum’s birthday was always a big deal. Every year, I would have massive anxiety about the right gift, the right experience, the correct amount of care and love I showered her with. I experienced a huge amount of anxiety throughout the entire month.

By contrast, she has been out of the country for mine for at least the last 15 years.

This year, I’m no contact. And it’s a milestone birthday.

So I’ve been agonising about what to do; how to mark the occasion without giving her an ‘in’ back to contact. I’ve essentially come to the conclusion that whatever I do, I can’t win. If I get her a card, then don’t respond to her thanking me for it (which she will – she’ll see it as a way to be back in touch) she’ll be hurt and upset. If I don’t get her a card at all, she’ll be hurt and upset. It’s a lose/lose.

The irony is that I love her. If she could just see outside herself for one minute, she could believe what I told her; that I love her and I do want a relationship with her, just not the toxic one we’ve had up til now. I’m doing this because I love her.

I hope one day to reconnect with her, but I have some boundaries up now that mean I won’t tolerates her problematic behaviour anymore. Her views on gender are hugely misogynistic. Her perpetual victimhood does not allow her to challenge herself, instead preferring to blame life, the universe, and other people, when things inevitably go wrong. These are examples of the wider problem, rather than specific things to combat (but they would be a good place to start).

But back to birthdays. Having decided not to get her anything, I was initially content with this decision, but as the date approaches, I’m having second thoughts. I feel like a horrible person, and no matter how much I logically know that it’s the right decision for me, there’s still that nagging doubt. And I can’t work out if that’s remnants of her voice in my head, or my own conscience.

I wish I could end this post by telling you I’m firm and happy in my decision, but I can’t. I feel shitty. And that is what I’m working on this week.