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I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m so conflicted and dissatisfied with how my life is going at the moment. I’m not putting in much effort into self-improvement, and I feel like I’m coasting; existing, not living. I’d like that to change. I’d like to be a person I’m proud of, doing things that… Read more
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Fuck you, Mum. I know you’re in the country because you asked my stepdad to ask me if we could meet up (that’s a resounding fucking no). From now on he won’t be passing your messages onto me because I am not fucking interested. Now my daughter – your first grandchild – you haven’t even… Read more
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I had some good sleep last night, and am feeling much more like myself today. That is all. Read more
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I’m feeling fed up. Admittedly I’ve had a busy, strenuous 4 days (Thurs: 7 hour drive from Canterbury to daughter’s who had a minor medical emergency – she’s fine now – then to mine to cook for my best friend on the eve of her birthday; Fri: All day spent with stepdad doing the final… Read more
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Mum’s birthday came and went with some upset, but not much. I felt guilty, but I was with my sister and we had a good talk about it, about whose voice that is in my head telling me I should have acknowledged it – my own conscience or my mother’s critical influence – as well… Read more
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My Mum’s birthday was always a big deal. Every year, I would have massive anxiety about the right gift, the right experience, the correct amount of care and love I showered her with. I experienced a huge amount of anxiety throughout the entire month. By contrast, she has been out of the country for mine… Read more
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Yesterday I helped my stepdad move house. It was a 12 hour day, 2 hours drive there and back (picked my daughter up on the way through), and 8 hours of doing things like assembling Ikea furniture, and cleaning/putting things away. My best friend, who has her own friendship with my stepdad, was there, too.… Read more
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Not a heavy post today. I’m away in Cardiff visiting friends, and having a very relaxing time of it! Arrived yesterday to be greeted with a warm hug and a glass of fizz, which is just what the doctor ordered! Slept badly, but that was my fault for having too much of the aforementioned fizz… Read more
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How a dress from 20 years ago triggered an epiphany Last night in therapy we talked about the differences between a relationship and enmeshment. How a relationship recognises the other person as their own entity – their achievements and failures, highs and lows, are all their own – whereas with enmeshment they are an extension… Read more
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There have been times in my life where I have not done a lot. Arguably I still don’t some of the time. Some of it is due to being unable to work because of pain levels, and the effects of the medication I have to take to manage it. Some of it is down to… Read more
Healing from emotional abuse